This week’s blog post has been hard for me. Other weeks, I’ve been excited to type out new discoveries or to capture a particular memory through a post, but this week I’ve struggled as nothing in particular has been calling out to me. In trying to figure out where the root of this relentless writing block was coming from, I couldn’t help but question where my head has been this week. After thinking my thoughts through, I’ve come to the following realization; you know the way a song sometimes gets stuck in your head? A couple of the chorus lines or the few words you actually know repeating again and again until you’re sure you are going bonkers? Now imagine that, but with memories. This week, my head has been swarming with bits and pieces of memories from back home. Glimpses of long road trips, singing along to Beach House, Marina, and Downtown with my best friends. Family hotel stays, splurging on the occasional room service treat or pay per view movie, passing out 30 minutes in, and later blaming jetlag. Late night slumber parties, fighting to stay awake by finding, baking, and consuming every dessert box mix we could find in the house. These and a plethora of other snippets from my life back home have been filling my mind, making it kind of impossible to focus on all the beauty and excitement here in Philadelphia.
Now, it’s not that I’m homesick. I love Philadelphia and have no doubt that my calling at the moment is to be here, but I can’t help but reflect back on the day-to-day activities that, up to this point, have always filled my life. I am comfortable here, but that doesn’t make Philadelphia familiar. I miss the feeling of familiarity, especially in regards to companionship. Yes, the other gap year students are wonderful, but only knowing six other teenagers in an entirely new city is scary. I miss my people. I miss being able to crash at a friend’s house and talk for hours or visiting a well-loved spot around Edmond, always knowing exactly what to expect. I’ve been lucky to have the absolute best group of friends back home. It never mattered what we were doing—just being together was an adventure. I don’t have that here; most of my friends are more than 1,200 miles away, and FaceTime just can’t provide quite the same experience.
This week I scared myself. Despite my constant thoughts of home, I realized I was growing comfortable and happy here in Philadelphia. How could this happen? I’m far from Edmond, friends, family, and all of my basic comforts. Being happy means that I’m moving on, and I’m not ready for that yet, am I? Yes, I hate how little I’ve been able to talk to many friends back home, but I don’t doubt for a moment that the next time I see them, we’ll pick up right where we left off, this time with some awesome new stories to share. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid of what the future holds for my friends and me, but the friendships I’ve made come once in a lifetime, and I guess that means there’s no reason to worry about the unknown at the moment. Besides, I have much more important things to do, like figuring out how to explore all of Philly in just three months!
My life here has been an adventure full of more diverse experiences than I ever could’ve imagined, but that doesn’t mean this journey hasn’t been rough at patches. Overall, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time; I’ve been filling my time with yoga classes, reading in beautiful parks, and long walks through the city, giving me plenty of introspective time. I have more “me time,” in fact, than I ever thought possible. This opportunity sadly does not come without loneliness. It’s difficult, I’m discovering, for an extreme extrovert to suddenly be thrown into a new city, trading in time with her best friends for an endless amount of self-reflection. I’m struggling with suppressing the urge to reach for my phone throughout the day, automatically wishing to keep my friends and family updated on each new instant but knowing I must instead force myself to be present in the moment. I am here in Philadelphia to push myself, but my thoughts need to catch up with my motives if I truly want to make the most out of my rapidly passing time away.
The challenges I’m facing now may not be the same ones I faced back home, but that doesn’t mean I’m not being pushed to grow. There are no clubs here for me to join, no philanthropy campaigns for me to work for, and no friend’s homes to spontaneously take over for the night. These things were my life back home, and now they’re gone, replaced by a world of independence and positive self-involvement. I’m hoping this year will bring me the knowledge to better balance my changing tendencies in the future, creating a healthy balance of time spent alone and with friends. I’m glad I’m happy here, despite a small voice telling me I may need a little more discomfort in my life before I can truly grow. No worries though, because I think my three months in Chile this spring will provide just that! The important thing to remember, I believe, is that growth is something you look back on, not a progression you can see in the moment. For now, I’m striving to live in the moment here in the wonderful town of Philadelphia. I’m sure I’ll look back on this decision someday—proud of my choices and wishing I could assure my present self of all the learning sure to come.
